TABIA Press Release

TABIA in Bold New Plan: Survive till 2018

April 1, 2017 Toronto – In what is being described as the most ambitious mission ever undertaken in TABIA’s history, officials from the Office of Economic Development (OED) announced at a Saturday press conference their bold new plan to still exist by 2018.

The OED’s top director, Mickey Mayer (affectionately nicknamed “Honk” by his office colleagues) presented a detailed, long-term timeline for the project, dubbed the “Great Leap Forward Program”.

‘Honk’ told reporters that the plan would lay the groundwork for TABIA to reach far into 2018. Senior officials of the OED noted that their goal of keeping TABIA’s operation open for the next 8 – 10 months would test the very limits of their skill and ingenuity, explaining that the undertaking would likely surpass Canada’s Oil Sands pollution and space missions, including manned spaceflight in terms of technical difficulty.

“Though the scope of the “Great Leap Forward Program” is far greater than anything we’ve ever attempted, I’m certain that, through the right combination of hard work, perseverance, and a little bit of luck, TABIA can make it all the way to 2018,” added the agency’s Executive Director, Johnny Kookoo. Kookoo emphasized the plan would require cutting-edge innovation and spectacular administrative feats to arrive at the lofty objective. “With so many great minds from TABIA and the OED devoted to this project, we have a chance at achieving something once deemed the stuff of science fiction.”

“It may seem impossible now, but we hope to realize Honk’s vision of establishing a human presence in TABIA deeper than man has ever been before… into the century further than ever imagined,” Kookoo added.

When questioned about the plan’s viability, Kookoo told reporters that while certain doubts remain, the project was nonetheless an absolutely crucial undertaking for TABIA. Kookoo further emphasized that the Great Leap Forward Program’s goal was technically achievable on paper, and could feasibly be accomplished in a real-world scenario so long as everybody in the Toronto agency “keeps their shit together”.

“The first critical step toward reaching our goal is to still be here by Christmas 2017,” said Kookoo, adding that the plan allowed absolutely no room for error. “Christmas is when I get my bonus. From there, we move to the next phase of the mission, which is to implement an exit strategy for me, before the auditors get at the books.”

“With Honk’s help and guidance, if this intensive 10-month plan remains operational, we can meet the goal of 2018. Then there’s no reason to believe TABIA won’t make it another year or two!”

“As long as each stage succeeds and we keep hitting our monthly milestones of being a barely-functioning agency, we will eventually get there,” Kookoo continued. “This mission, if successfully completed, has the potential to be one of mankind’s greatest achievements, greater even than the Hubble Periscope, the International Space Station, and changing Bruce Jenner into Caitlyn Jenner!”

Kookoo, who confirmed that all of the agency’s personnel and resources would be focused solely on self-preservation, explained that the Great Leap Forward Program represented the very essence and future of TABIA.

“Honk and I may not be around to reap the benefits of the Great Leap Forward Program, but the next generation will be,” said Kookoo, noting that the plan was rife with logistical challenges and unknowns that would have to be dealt with as they emerge. “Though the risks are great, we will continue to build upon what we’ve learned during our prolonged history and reach our objective at any cost.”

“Today marks the beginning of a new chapter for TABIA,” Kookoo added. “I believe that our dedication and pending departure will define Toronto’s triumphal accomplishments for years to come.”


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