Press Release – Queen’s Park
Premier Ford announces new climate change strategy after consultations with Environment Minister Catherine McKenna.
Scientists have calculated that there are 1.5 billion cows on the planet and that they produce 119.1 million tons of methane annually.
Science also determined since methane is a greenhouse gas which is 30 times more efficient at trapping the Sun’s radiative heat than carbon dioxide, that this exacerbates global warming.
Researchers at Monsanto (the world’s leading genome-modifying laboratories) have been seeking ways to reduce or eliminate this production of methane. One method tried was to feed the cows garlic but the milk that resulted had a revolting taste and colour. And it bloated the cows to a point where they actually weighed less, resulting in economic loss of beef bulk. These restrictions in bovine flatulence have caused a spike in beef prices from the loss of cows exploding.
This contretemps created NAFTA complications because it affects the dairy industry. Since the cows are not gender-neutral, the bulls cannot grab them by their you-know-what, a conundrum distressing Canada’s very own Groppenführer who believes females should not be groped unless they are news reporters, in which case, they’re fair game, provided an apology is included.
After consultations with Environment Minister McKenna, Ontario’s Premier concurred that the problem could be solved whilst creating thousands of new jobs simultaneously. The Premier agreed with Minister McKenna’s advice that all the former Queen’s Park Liberal political staffers who are now unemployed could be hired to form ‘Ruminant Patrols’.
This hiring of available and skilled Liberal staffers (renowned experts in fart-catching) will solve the methane problem as well as make Ontario compliant with Sparky’s demands for a replacement of the cap-and-trade requirements.
Professor David Suzuki expressed his approbation by heralding this as a wynne-wynne solution.
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